So, in an effort to not leave some super long-winded comment in response to these sayings I've decided to make a blog post about it. Share with EVERYBODY why it's important to me. And why I feel it's so important to share.
My story starts before Harper was born. I was researching natural birth, I knew I wanted an unmedicated birth, and oh, of course I would breastfeed. My mom nursed all of us! Easy.
Then, the day came! I labored on Pitocin for hours & hours & finally, I pushed out the most beautiful little baby girl. She cried and I cried. She was perfect! They quickly did her vitals and handed her back to me. The nurse asked gently "do you want to nurse her?" Uhhhh....yes! Sure! I took my baby and just put her mouth to my breast. Do yo thang, girlfriend! The sweet nurse who I'm sure thought I was kidding at first, said "ooook, mama, you're gonna have to help her! Hold your Breast like this, and help her latch." Fumbling around I thought Hm, okay. She latched & nursed a few sucks and pulled off crying. I tried the other side, and same thing.
Must not be hungry, I thought.
I moved to the postpartum room & david went with Harper to the nursery for her check up. They asked me if I wanted to see the Lactation Consultant when they brought her back. I shrugged, "sure?" They wrote it on my chart. Harpy came back & I tried to nurse her again. Same thing. About this time, a nurse came in. Told me to write down how long I nursed on each side every 2 hours on this log. I continued to try to nurse her every hour or so, while she fought & screamed at me. The next day, the nurse came in. I said shakily "she's having trouble nursing. I need help." She told me she would request the LC for me & she should be by later. My OB came by to see me. Told me everything looked great & I could go home at 6 pm (24 hours from birth). Okay! I said. Excited to go home with my baby. Nursing was continually frustrating.
About 5 o clock, the LC came in. She roughly positioned my Breast and pushed Harper's face aggressively into it.
"Ugh! Latch baby!" She said.
She's been doing this a lot, I quietly offered.
"Let's try this trick." She said, as she poured sugar water on my nipple. Harper's face pushed into the boob again & it worked! She latched! For about 30 seconds. Screams again. Same trick again, no avail.
"She's stubborn, this one." The LC says.
"I may have to give you a nipple shield."
"Oh...okay. I'd really hoped to not need one of those." I said.
"Okay! You keep trying. Call me if it continues for a few days."
We leave the hospital with some bottles of glucose water (and some formula samples *just in case*)
At home, the fight continues. I'm panicking. She's not eating! She's starving. I'm failing. I can't fail. Please don't fail.
David tells me to keep trying. She will eat when she's hungry.
I sit on my bed. Surrounded by pillows and boppys. I'm sticky from pouring sugar water all over myself to help her latch. I even give her a little on my finger, in hopes she can quench her thirst. She sucks my finger ravenously. "David!" I plead, "why won't she eat?!" My nipples hurt so bad it makes my toes curl. They are blistered and warped and they hurt.
I call the hospital LC. She's not eating, I cry. She tells me to give her 24 hours & to closely track her diaper count & call back.
I start googling. Maybe somebody can help me figure out why she won't latch. I read things about developmental milestones like rolling over or crawling. Nothing applies. Nobody can help me.
My milk comes in. I call the LC. She tells me she's busy, and she will text me that night. Now, I'm trying to nurse my screaming and hungry baby with milk pouring down my chest and belly. Everytime she does latch it hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. Once the milk is in, she does latch better. But only for short spurts and inconsistantly times. I take her for her weight check at Dr. Reese. She's lost more than 10% of her birth weight. I beg for a few more days. My milk isn't in yet, I cry.
My mom tries to help. I'm so frustrated. Just give her the formula, I guess.
David stops me. Call the LC just one more time. I call her. While I'm waiting, my mom calls my cousin who recently breastfed. She tells my mom to go get me a shield. My mom runs down to the store & brings back a baggy of nipple shields. I refuse. Those are bad, they won't nurse without one! David says "at least she will be nursing."
I agree to try it. It's my final shot. I put it on. My milk fills the little shield. My mom hands me Harper. I don't even have her situated yet & bam. She's gulping. She's nursing and nursing and nursing. I start bawling. "look! Look at her nursing!" Everybody is so happy. And I sit and nurse my baby. It still hurts, but she nursing.
Hours go by. Around 9:30 at night the LC calls me back. I tell her we got a shield and it's helping tremendously. She tells me that's fine and watch her diaper count. I ask her why it still hurts so much. She tells me that my nipples are just messed up from me trying to get her to latch and they will heal with use of the shield.
We go for her 2 week check up. They put her on the scale. I hold my breath. Please. Please. Please. She tells me she's gained some. But isn't up to birth weight yet. I explain our latch issue but the shield is helping! Please give me some more time. She agrees. Bring her back in a week for a weight check.
I nurse around the clock. I rarely set her down. We nurse for hours and hours. I'm so happy and so worried. What if it's not enough? What if I've started off so bad we never recover? I buy the book "The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding" as recommended by LLL. It's 1000+ pages. I read it in its entirety in 2 days. It's now, and only now, I realize I should have done my research before Harper was born. So many of the mistakes I made could have been avoided.
Next week comes. A huge snow-storm blows in & we cannot make our weight check. They tell me to wait until her 1 month appointment the next week, unless there is a problem sooner.
We go in for her 1 month. They weigh her. I pray. 7 pounds 14 ounces. Birth weight. I'm happy. The Doctor expresses some concern. She's only in the 3rd percentile, your supply may be low. They tell me to pump after every feed.
I do. My nipples are still healing from the trauma the first few weeks. The pumping rubs awful blisters on my nipples. Try lanolin on the pumping flange, google says. It helps some. I'm barely getting any milk out, though. Maybe an ounce total. If I pump for an hour. I try different flange sizes, different positions, coconut oil.
After I start pumping after every feed I notice Harper is nursing more frequently. She's nursing at times for 7-8 hours at a time. Non-stop. That's fine by me. But when do I pump?
I google supply issues. I'm assured if her diaper count is okay (which it is, by a lot) that she's getting enough milk. I relax a little. There are days I nurse her around the clock without a break. We nurse. And nurse. If we leave the house I wear her in her wrap with my nursing cover over it. I'm embarrassed to nurse uncovered. I feel like I'm suffocating under all the layers. Harper doesn't seem bothered by it, (yet) though.
The past two weeks I have felt an ache in my calf. It's worsening as the days go on. On Harper's 1 month birthday, I make an appointment with my OB about my calf. He's afraid it's a clot. I go to the hospital. They do a doppler. It's not just one, but several blood clots. DVT. I see the vascular surgeon. He asks me to wean. I beg him no. He doesn't understand why, but agrees to treat me with Lovenox so that I can continue nursing. I give myself 2 injections in the belly every day for 6 months. The bruising and the pain from the shots make nursing uncomfortable, but I don't quit.
We go in for her 2 month check-up. She's gained weight. Still only in the 7th percentile. But I'm happy. They tell me I can give her formula or Breastmilk but I need to supplement 4 ounces a day. Harper starts sleeping from 12-4 at night at this point. Her longest stretch of not nursing. So, after I'm able to lay her down, I get up & attach myself to the pump for 2.5 hours to get 4 ounces. I learned how to get the most out of pumping. I lean forward, I do breast compressions. I work for it. I put the milk in the fridge, I clean my pump parts and I lay down for 30-45 minutes before Harper is ready to feed again.
This continues for the next 3-4 months.
Fighting clogged ducts and thrush from the shield during this time. Taking a shield everywhere we go. Sanitizing shields. Buying shields.
Around 5 months old, Harper starts resisting her latch again. Scarred from our previous experience I'm determined to be pro-active. I try nursing in different positions. With pillows, without pillows. Quiet. Dark. Etc. Then, one time while I'm repositioning us and trying to get the shield on, Harper reaches up & removes the shield from my breast & latches on.
Oh. Well. Okay.
I let her nurse without the shield as long as she'd like. Eventually she fusses & I put it back on & she nurses well for the rest of the feeding. This continues for several weeks. My nipples begin to blister and bleed again. It hurts so badly. But I'm not quitting now.
I call an independent IBCLC (a very expensive one, mind you!) and she comes over one night to my house. She's calm and gentle and so smart. She looks in Harper's mouth.
"Oh sweetie. She's lip and tongue tied. That's what caused the latch issues and that's what is causing the pain now. You can take her to this doctor in Dallas and he will revise them. It's $3,500."
Ouch. I can't afford that. And even if I could? Is it necessary? I research. I reference my books. I call dentists and IBCLC's all over. It's very mixed. Some say it's worth it. Some say it's not. I decided to save up for 2 months to do it. In the meantime, I work on her suck and do exercises to help stretch her ties.
The next two weeks are handedly the worst of the entire nursing experience. I have blisters covering my nipples and when they burst they scab. I cannot stand the pain to pump any more. So I nurse her as often as she will take the boob. Tears fill my eyes everytime she latches and it takes my breath away from the pain.
Then, after two weeks, it gets drastically better. Her latch improves. I'm able to work with her to position her mouth better. The blisters heal, the scabs go away.
We go in for her 6 month check up. At 4 months, she was 10 pounds and in the 6% for weight. At 6 months she is 19 pounds & 87% for weight. Dr. Reese is floored! Way to go, she says. I am so happy. I did it! I cheer! She's fat!!! I prayed and prayed and prayed for her to be fat!!! Thank you, Jesus!!!! I'm elated.
Life gets so, so, so much easier at this point. She has great head control and we aren't using the shield anymore. We can co-sleep safely now. She nurses often in the night, but I'm able to fall back to sleep easily. Life is good. And easy as I could have ever imagined.
We nurse through a couple ear infections, a cold and a stomach bug. All of which the only way I could get her to take her medicine was while nursing. It was a messy affair.
We go on. Her 1 year birthday approaches. She's enormous & off the charts for height and weight. On the eve of her first birthday, I lay nursing her in bed. I'm overcome with emotion. WE DID IT, baby girl. I tell her. We worked so hard! We fought through every issue. And here we are.
Even today, at 20 months, I cannot believe we are still breastfeeding. I never thought I would make it. But, we did.
But, I share a link about breastfeeding and I'm chastised for making another mother feel guilty. I talk about the importance of breastmilk and why "just giving formula" is not always that easy for a mama and I'm told I'm playing the "Mommy Wars" and everybody is different.
I worked my ass off to feed this baby. And I had every single opportunity and excuse to quit. And I didn't. And I will never quit preaching about how amazing breastmilk is. Because that is why I cried. That is why I bled. That is why I sacrificed. And I want every mother out there to know that even if it's not easy, ITS WORTH IT. It's worth it a million times.
And if you chose formula, I do not shame you. I applaude you for making a decision that you felt was best for your baby. I hope you stand behind your decision to feed your baby as fervently as I do mine. I hope you weren't lied to, I hope you didn't quit before you were ready. If that's the case, my heart hurts with yours. But please know that feeding is more than food. Feeding your baby is a chance to connect, and love, and rest. You can do that with any way you feed. Even if that's a tube, bottle or a boob.
Feed with love, mamas.
And to all you struggling with breastfeeding, PLEASE DONT GIVE UP! It gets so much better. There is usually a solution to any problem you're having. It may take a ton of effort on your part. But, you will not regret it, I assure you!
Peace, love & milkies!
Hallye
